52 Ancestors 2021: Week 13: Music

 I've been a bit delayed in posting, not just because I couldn't think of something decent enough to write about for the topic of "music," but also because we've all been dealing with the stomach bug here at my house on and off for about the last two-and-a-half weeks or so. 

Anyway -- finally for the topic of "music," I thought I'd talk about some songs that remind me of people I've lost. This won't be an incredibly long blog by any means, but I hope to open y'all up to some new music that perhaps you've never heard before. 

The first song -- Waitin' on a Woman by Brad Paisley. (This video features Andy Griffith.) 

I can't hear this song and not think of my Grandparents. Part of the lyrics are, "somewhere I've read statistics show, the man's always the first to go. And that makes sense 'cause I know, she won't be ready. So when it finally comes my time, and I get to the other side, I'll find myself a bench, if they've got any. I hope she takes her time, because I don't mind, waitin' on a woman." 

My Grandpa Jady passed away on January 11th, 2015... and my Grandma followed him on December 8th, 2015. This song came out in 2009 and I knew even then, that one day, that would be my Grandparents. My Grandpa Jady had Multiple Sclerosis, so my entire life, I prepared for him to go before my Grandma... but I never prepared for my Grandma to get sick. 

What happened after my Grandma got sick, kidnapped from us, my Grandpa's death, and then her death and everything in between all that is a novel I'll write another day. But this song just always reminds me of them. Andy Griffith, too, reminds me a lot of my Grandpa Jady. If you've watched "The Andy Griffith Show," Sheriff Andy Taylor was a lot like my Grandpa Jady in so many ways. 

The next song -- Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss. 

This song, for myself and for my Mom, reminds us of Uncle Jay. Uncle Jay battled a lot of demons... he saw a lot of stuff in the Philippines in the Air Force, and saw even more, I believe, as a Sheriff's Deputy on the Henderson County, KY, Sheriff's Department. My Uncle had always turned to alcohol (preferably rum) to hide his pain, to cope with life. 

The lyrics -- "he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger," resonates with us. My Uncle committed what I call self-conscious suicide because he absolutely knew, without a doubt, that his drinking was going to kill him. He had come to terms with that. 

The last three days of his life, he spent on a binge. If he hadn't a huge tolerance to alcohol, he'd have surely succumbed to alcohol poisoning. On the morning of the third day, he woke and poured himself a drink as he always did... but today was different. He started to vomit blood. By 10 AM, my Mom went over there and started to help him. He'd been coughing up, and occasionally, vomiting blood on and off for years. He was scared to go to a doctor because he was scared he'd contracted Hep C or HIV or AIDS. He also feared he had lung cancer from being a smoker. 

That day, July 3rd, 2014, I spent with some of my best friends, celebrating one of my best friends' birthday. That night, my Mom called me and said that I needed to come home, instead of spend the night with my bestie, because my Uncle might not make it through the night. He finally agreed to go to the hospital at about 9 PM that night. I remember being up at our hospital in town and he was still lucid and coherent. We talked about me going out with friends, since we were 21 now, we'd done a little drinking. Told him I'd had a Pina Colada and he chuckled and said, "for the first time in my life, that doesn't even sound good." He looked horrible. I knew there was a chance this was the last conversation I'd ever have with him. And it was. 

I came home at about midnight and by 4 o'clock in the morning, on July 4th, my Dad was waking me up and saying we needed to get to the hospital across the river, that they'd transferred my Uncle and it wasn't good. We spent our entire Fourth of July holiday in the hospital... They tried many different surgeries to stop the bleeding. At about 4 o'clock that afternoon, they said, they couldn't do anything more for him.. and that they were going to stop giving him blood, as there were other patients in that hospital that needed that blood, too. They said, it probably wouldn't be long.. 

At about 10 PM that night, I couldn't stand it anymore, I was so tired. I took a ride home with my then best friend and then about 7 AM in the morning, my Mom come into my room and woke me up. I knew for her to be there waking me up... it wasn't good. She said, "You've got to get up and help me. I've got to get over to Grandpa's.. Jay died a couple hours ago." 

5:19 AM on July 5th, 2014. My Uncle was 49 years old. He died on my Dad's Mom's 80th birthday, or well, what would have been her 80th birthday... my Grandma Mina died of a massive heart attack on July 10th, 1982, at 48 years old. 

6 months and 6 days later -- on what would have been my Uncle's 50th birthday -- January 11th, 2015, my Grandpa passed away. I don't think he had the strength in his heart to live through his son's birthday knowing that he wasn't on Earth anymore. So Grandpa slipped away in his sleep. It was his time, as they say. It's how Grandpa always wanted to go... it's how his Daddy went. Peacefully. 

The next song -- Forever Young by Audra Mae and the Forest Rangers (The song was done for the show Sons of Anarchy.) 

On November 18th, 2016, I lost my step-cousin/best friend to a completely unnecessary, totally preventable, and horrendous automobile accident. He was 23 years old. He had been living with us for the last year ever since my Uncle passed away. I felt like I finally had a sibling for the first time in my life. I loved him so very much. I felt like he was a brother, a cousin, a best friend, a protector, even kind of like a soulmate to a certain degree. We were kindred spirits. His death still affects me probably most of all. 

Nick was somebody that should have been there to grow old with me. He should have been there when I got married, and vice versa. He should have been able to be there when I eventually have to bury my parents. I was cheated out of having him in my life until we were gray and old because the girl driving the car (who also happens to be my blood cousin) was under the influence.

The lyrics, "May your hands always be busy, may your feet always be swift. May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift. May your heart always be joyful, may your song always be sung. May you stay... forever young." Those resonate the most with me. 

Even though Nick had practically been abandoned by his own blood family, and even though he was hurt beyond belief of losing his almost step-Dad (my Uncle), he had felt like he found another family in us. Even through his hurt... he found reasons to be joyful - his number one reason being his son. I feel like now that he's gone... I'm about the only person that will continue to sing his song. I won't let the world forget him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't mention his name for some reason or another. He will never ever be forgotten. 

The next song -- One More Yesterday by The Relapse Symphony 

This song was released on September 23rd, 2014... and it immediately started to help me get past losing Uncle Jay, or at least, dealing with my feelings. I never thought that the song would end up helping me through losing Nick, too. The guitarist, JC, wrote the song about a dear friend he'd lost in a car crash... queue two years later and I'd lose Nick to a car crash. 

The lyrics, "You're not breathing, I'm not sleeping, I walk this world alone. I've been screaming, hands and knees and, now you'll never know. I don't care what tomorrow holds, I'd give the ground my broken bones, for just one more yesterday with you."

To this day... they are so profound to me. I feel that way every second of every single day. I would give absolutely everything I have right now in this moment, to get one more yesterday with Nick, or my Grandparents, or my Uncle Jay. 

It was because of this song that I knew I absolutely had to see The Relapse Symphony in concert one day. Sure enough, they were announced as part of Warped Tour 2015's tour lineup. So, July 1st, 2015, I finally got to meet these guys and tell them how much their music meant to me. 

I will always remember that day and cherish it. They were some of the nicest, most down to Earth guys I've ever met in my entire life... and not to forget mentioning, the most attractive, too, haha. If only I would have looked better, :P 

The next song -- You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell

Another song that makes me think about Nick and Uncle Jay both. You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell was released in late 2015 but I didn't hear the song for the first time until.. I think late 2018 or early 2019. Regardless, I immediately felt the power of the song. 

The lyrics, "You should be here, standing with your arm around me here. Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year. It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it. And you know that if I had just one wish, it'd be that you didn't have to miss this... you should be here."

Even right now as I write this... I feel cheated. Jay and Nick should still be here. My Grandparents, I knew one day I'd lose them... they were in the 70's. Albeit I wish they'd have lived to see 100, I knew I'd bury them one day. But my Uncle and Nick.. Jay should have seen 70 or 80. Nick should have seen 90. My Mom shouldn't have had to bury her little brother (so to speak, he was cremated), and I shouldn't have to have buried mine, either...(also so to speak, he was cremated.) 

Another song -- Brother by Falling in Reverse. 

The lyrics, "I'm sorry I missed your call. I wasn't there for you at all. And know I thought it through, maybe if I'd answered you, that you would still be here, all along. Now no more calls, can't you see? I took for granted family, and once they're gone, you'll never get that back. No more laughs, no more hugs... so hold on to the ones you love."

Jay had a habit of calling us in the middle of the night and we wouldn't answer because we knew he was drunk and he'd just go on and on about this and that.. sometimes he'd get ridiculously drunk and just want to pick a fight. So we quit answering. 

Nick called me a few days before he died.. I still have the missed call on my phone. He'd been wanting me to run him on some errands but found a different ride instead. Sometimes I wonder, if I'd have answered that day, would he have decided to move back in with us a few days sooner? The night he was killed... he was in the car with my cousin heading back here with all of his things. He was coming home to stay. 

The last song --- Maybe It's Time by Sixx:A.M. It features the voices of Corey Taylor (Slipknot/Stone Sour), Joe Elliott (Def Leppard), Brantley Gilbert, Ivan Moody (Five Finger Death Punch), Tommy Vext (Bad Wolves), Awolnation, and even Slash from Guns n' Roses on guitars. 

My Uncle struggled with more than just an alcohol addiction. On and off throughout his years, he had tried cocaine, crack, and meth. It really wasn't a secret to anybody that knew him.. he didn't try to hide it 99% of the time. This song.. it really hits a chord with me and Mom both. 

The lyrics -- "Maybe it's time to heal, maybe it's time to try, maybe it's time to deal with all the pieces in my life. Maybe I'll sober up, maybe before I die, maybe I'll finally deal with all the wreckage in my life..."

I wish, I wish so much, that Jay could have found the strength to sober up before it was too late. But he was a man that was broken far beyond repair.. and he paid that morbid price. 

Thanks for reading this extremely heartfelt blog today. There's a million other songs that I could include but... these really, exceptionally, mean something to me. I hope you can find some solace in them, too.